"Hindsight is always 20/20"

I use this phrase all of the time. Sometimes it's annoying to me and sometimes it's reassuring. It's annoying when I'm in the middle of something not looking back yet. It's reassuring when I am looking back because I already know how things have played out. I think this phrase is perfect for our 2008. We received this gift for Christmas and I started crying when I opened it. (those of you that know me, know this is not abnormal! I almost always cry at least once on Christmas day).



In case you can't read it, it says "Maybe I can't stop the downpour, but I will always join you for a walk in the rain." I think it's a great summation of our 2008. My first thought was of Ian and I walking through this past year together. I believe we had this attitude with each other and it's made this year amazing. With more thought I realized it's what God was saying to me this whole year as well. Which is the only reason we made it to 2009.

For my own perspective and yours, if you'd like a long read, I thought I'd walk through 2008 one more time before I move on to 2009. I want and need to remember the scary moments, the happy moments and everything in between.

It all started in early February when I woke Emery up one night and she had what I believed was a seizure. I've never seen anything like it before and hope I never see one again. I was terrified at the site of my 2 month old in this state. Once it passed I knew there was nothing I could really do except comfort her and pray. The next day I spent an hour on the phone with various people getting opinions, next steps, and advice. The plan was to wait until her 2 month appt. with her pediatrician. If she had another seizure we were to call 911 or take her to the ER.

I described what happened to her pediatrician and she said she would call a pediatric neurologist that day and get us an appointment as quickly as possible (knowing it would be weeks before we could get in). I called Ian to tell him the news and he gently informed me that he was getting laid off. Needless to say I was in a state of mental mush so we met for lunch at Chik-fil-a to re-group and plan (I know big shocker). Plus- I needed a hug :)

Ian and I talked about his lay-off. They would keep him on staff for 6 months and pay him a bonus and severance if he stayed until the end. That was easier to swallow because we were hopeful that he could get another position within the 6 months and we wouldn't face unemployment. We scheduled Emery's appointment for mid-March and watched for her first smile with great anticipation.

I know most mom's look forward to their baby's first smile, but this one was a cliff hanger. A smile is a sign of good neurological activity- it means everything is connecting upstairs the way it's supposed to. To us it meant hope- hope that the seizure was a one time thing and hope that her brain had formed properly in my womb. I wish I could say that I waited patiently for her appt with no worrying. Not the case, most days I was fine, but some days were very dark. The light that broke the darkness was her smile. I can't tell you exactly when it happened, but I remember how I felt- AMAZING.

My sister joined us for Emery's appt because she has a lot of experience in the neuro area and Ian and I felt it would be helpful to have her there in case the Dr started talking over our heads. Well, the Dr was interesting :) but he did feel very confident that she was fine and did not need further testing. She was smiling, responsive, her eyes tracked well and she was overall behaving like a normal 3 month old. YEAH!!!!!!!!!! He offered to run several tests just in case, but we felt confident in his assessment as an expert and passed on further testing. Hindsight- whatever happened that night, God was there. He knows what happened and why. He did make her after all! And Emery is healthy and happy kid, but you do have to work hard to get her to smile- stinker!

Ian spent 5 months looking for work, but did not find a position by his end date of 8/31. So we entered unemployment with confidence and fear. I remember something Pastor Don said that really stuck with me through our unemployment, "Are you going to live a life of faith or fear?" He didn't say I couldn't have fear- that would have been impossible anyway! But, he did say that God calls us to a life of faith, not fear. So when the days were dark and fearful I looked to God. I have never thirsted for God's Word more than I did those 4 months. I had to start my day with His Word or it was a disaster. I'm so grateful that God put me in a place were I can read my Bible whenever and wherever I want. Don't get me wrong, I had some really bad, really ugly moments. But thankfully those moment did not overtake our lives.

In Early September, we spent an amazing week in Disneyland and then came back to the reality of life with no paycheck. The first week was really tough as Ian and I adjusted to 24/7 in the same space. We came up with a schedule (I know big shock) and did our best to enjoy the time we had together. And I can say- we did enjoy our time together. We had time together, time with the girls, and time alone. If only there was some way for Ian to work part-time and get paid a full-time salary! Aug to Nov was a truly amazing time in the life of our family. Ian saw Emery grow through some very dynamic months. Amelia had weekly dates with her dad- Dunkin Donuts will miss her! But again, we had moments of frustration because of our financial situation (stupid grocery budget) and moments of almost panic because of things happening outside of our control.

However, God has been faithful, not because Ian now has a full-time job. But, because He was always there. All of our needs were met and we learned that we could go without a lot of our wants. So... as we journey into 2009 we have a new perspective. Sharper in some ways (money focus) and softer in others (understanding when others go through this). And I'm still a firm believer that hindsight is always 20/20!