A Challenge of Motherhood

I went back to work part time last week. I definitely have mixed feelings about it. I am excited about working on a team and really enjoy the people I'm working with (I'm going back to the same job I had 3 years ago). I like office environments and love problem solving. Oh and paychecks are nice too! BUT... I am going to miss my girls. Going back to work doesn't effect my quality time with Ian, but it decreases my time with the girls.

And as much as I want to think I can do it all the way I used to... I just can't. The fact of the matter is that I'm spending 24 hours a week on something I was spending 0 hours a week on. I know that the quantity of time I spend with my kids will go down- it's simple math. However, I'm hoping to keep the quality of time spent with them the same.

It's kind of ironic that I'm struggling a little with the transition because when I first started staying home full time I struggled with a few things. When I could finally put a name to it I realized I was really missing two things. One was being part of a team and the other was getting feedback on my "work." Ian does a great job affirming me as a mother, but I have spent my whole life getting feedback on my work. And so have you. School- homework, tests, and report cards give us feedback. Jobs- promotions, raises and reviews are all forms of feedback. In a way we have been trained for this type of reward system. However, staying home offered me little in the way of tangible feedback.

Don't get me wrong, listening to Amelia read and watching Emery take her first steps were amazing moments, but I didn't see it as feedback on my performance. I saw it as them progressing and growing just the way God had designed them. People older and wiser than I am have related to how I feel. They comment, "Yes, it's hard to wait 18 years to see if what you did turned out alright but it's worth it." And it is worth it, every minute of it. BUT I don't think I'm responsible for how my girls "turn out."

I have a huge role to play in who they become. I can have a major positive and negative impact on their lives. BUT I can't control who they will be some day. And ultimately I can't make them chose Jesus. I wish I could. If I could, I would chose Him right now for them. Seal them for entry to heaven and be thankful. But I can't. Faith in the Lord is a choice that each and every one of us has to make. Even my girls. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the thought that I want to stay inside with them and never let the world touch them or taint them. That's not reality and I know it, but sometimes I want to do it anyway.

And so I'm left with the reality that the quantity of time with them is going down. And at the same time I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. God gave me peace about this choice of going back to work. He's also given peace about what my girls are going to be. How they are going to turn out. Because He already knows. And that's all I need to know.