It's Been Two Years...

It's been two years, today, since my cousin died.

It's been two years since I was standing in the kitchen when the phone rang and my mom told me the news.

It's been two years since I've been faced with the questions, "Did he go to heaven? Was he a believer?"

It's been two years since I've asked, "Why did this happen?"

His death was unexpected, very difficult, and left our family with more questions than answers. My cousin was an alcoholic who drank himself into a divorce, unemployment, homelessness, and eventually live failure that lead to his death. He died alone, by his choice.

And I'm left to replay our last conversation over and over again. A conversation that happened 4 years before he died. A conversation I had prayed about for 6 months straight. A conversation that happened only because God had His hand in it. A conversation that did not have a perfect, happy ending.

Sometimes I think we get caught up in only sharing the successes and so we think there are only successes. But the reality is that accepting Jesus and letting Him save us is a choice each of us has to make.

I don't know if my cousin accepted Christ. I pray he did. I don't know if my cousin is in heaven. I pray his is. And when I think about the weight of this reality it's a tough one to understand. It motivates me. To keep sharing. To keep loving. To keep praying. I pray for my aunt, my uncle, and my cousin, his sister. I pray that they will find God's peace in all of this noise. I pray that they will find forgiveness and give forgiveness.

And I thank my God for that one last conversation. Even it didn't end beautifully. I'm grateful for it.